and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
