OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
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We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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