It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
