i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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