Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
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She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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