He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
did i walk over a car last night?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
