He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
