My girlfriend figured out who you are.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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