guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
We got so high we made milksteak
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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