hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
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