the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
