Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
jump out the window naked night went bad
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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