my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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