When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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