I was born with a shot glass in my hand
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
