He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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