Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Michael Bay diarrhea
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
