She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
