a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
this is an emotional support booty call
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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