GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
