i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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