my room smells like sperm. sweet.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Randomize
