I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
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im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
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The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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