new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Randomize
