is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
