Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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