The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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