I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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