I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
