Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
