i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
