First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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