I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
