I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
