you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
