First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Randomize
