Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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