does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
