People in love make me want to vomit
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
