I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
