I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
