At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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