I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
