He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
