dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
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I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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