No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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