God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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