In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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