I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
