I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
my being single is dangerous.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
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I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
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I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I party with great urgency now.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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