I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
