I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
one two three fourrrrnication!
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
