Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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