If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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