Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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